Thursday, July 29, 2010

A Lot of Thinking

Lately, as I've been cleaning, I have been doing a LOT of thinking.  Thinking about life and my wonderful children, God's many blessings to me, where I've been and where I want to go.  Thinking about how far I have come in my life and about all it's various changes.  They say you can not see God's hand while He's working.  It's only when looking back that you truly see He was there all the time.


As I was redoing the boy's room, unpacking my son's various belongings and putting them in their proper places, many memories came back to me.  I found the stuffed dog that my daughter recently pointed out was with me in the hospital through both hers and my sons births.  Winston's first birthday candle, reminding me of him falling asleep while eating his cake with his hands by his side (yes I'm talking face-first! LOL)  So many memories we have made over the years.


It's hard to believe how far I have come in my life.  11 years ago I was preparing to marry a man I knew was wrong for me.  When we are young we think we know it all, despite fair warnings from all those we love.  I'm thankful for that mistake, since it lead to the birth of my two oldest babies and I could not imagine life without those two to keep me going. 


Three years ago, I met my ex-fiance and once again thought things were perfect though I knew better.  Sometimes it takes a huge mistake to make you grow up, but from that bad experience came my beautiful Laycie, and for that I am also thankful.


God was with me all along.  He was leading me forward and my children, too, as they came into the world.  He has given me such gorgeous and smart children.  He lead me to homeschool them, to teach them to be strong and semi-independant, and most of all loving, even when they are testing one another.  For that I am also thankful.  My babies are the best in my book.


I look back, I see how different I am from that girl who walked acrossed her parents backyard almost 11 years ago, the one who thought she knew it all.  I now know just how niave and childish I was.  Somedays she peaks through but now she's an older and wiser girl, who cherishes her days with her little loves, their sweet smells, their joyous laughter.  I know it won't last long. 


In 10 years, my son will be a grown man, living his own life.  That thought terrifies me at time, brings tears into my heart and my eyes like nothing else can.  I pray he is all that God intended for him to be.  Two years after that my girl will be old enough to go off on her own too and I will miss her sweet songs and strong personality desperately.  I will have only memories of my sweet babies to cherish.  This is something I do not look forward to but I know I cannot prevent.  I pray for them daily and I know, I KNOW God will lead and guide them just as He has done for me. 


I'm in a new life now.  I'm cherishing the years I have left with those beautiful babies and I realize the ones I've let past can never return.  I look forward to my days with them, listening to their stories, their laughter and even their arguing.  I look forward to growing with them, watching them learn and enjoy their own lives.  I'm thankful to be able to educate them at home, to teach them more than just independant studies but also teach them Life's many lessons in our own home.  I get the good moments and the bad but most of all I get more memories to carry me on than I could ever feel blessed to ask for.


At this moment, this is the happiest I can remember feeling since I was a child, for my three gorgeous loves are the true meaning of Life and they truly are gifts straight from Heaven of which I can never be thankful enough.



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