Saturday, November 6, 2010

Forgive Myself {30 Days of Truth - Day 3}

My truth for today is something that I have to forgive myself for.  There's a lot to this one too.  I've made a whole lot of mistakes in my last 30 years.  I know they have all taught me many things that I needed to learn and made me a better and wiser person.  For that I'm thankful.

Three years ago, I jumped into a relationship that I shouldn't have just to have a way out of my marriage to my ex-husband.  I knew it was a bad idea.  God "told" me it was a bad idea, but of course, being the stubborn girl I am, I did not listen.  I thought "what the hell" and I moved in with this man barely knowing him.  It was the worst mistake I think I've ever made. 

He appeared to be great on the outside, but inside he was an emotional baggage wreck.  He claimed to be Christian and in some ways I guess he is but there is an evil side to him too.  He was bitter and unhappy with himself and it showed once you got to know him.  He took his anger out on his children more often than necessary.  He was not the good man he originally led me to believe he was.

I knew within months it was wrong of me to be there.  I was pregnant however and I wanted to give him a chance to be a good father.  In the end, he crossed lines with my other two children that should have never been touched and I found myself struggling to control my own anger with all of our children.  I knew then it was time to get out.

If I had listened in the beginning, I would have never gone to live with this man.  I would have never placed my children into harms way.  I would have protected them and made other plans. 

I learned a lot from this mistake and it's one I will not make again.  I will listen to God when he speaks to me, screams at me to tell me "no".  It's hard to do but when it comes to my children, I will do this. 

I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself for this mistake in my life.  Maybe once my children are grown and I know the terrible effects of this man on their lives has passed, I will be able to.  I know God forgives me and I know if I ask this burden and hurt will be taken away but I choose to keep it to remind me NOT to make this mistake again. 

1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness."

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