Wednesday, March 7, 2012

A Look Forward

I am at a point in my life where I need to decide what my future holds.  My days of carrying babies to love are almost over.  My mind is questioning what to do next and all the time I'm listening to what God asks of me.

When I had my son, I knew he would not be my last baby.  When his sister came, I knew then too there would be another.  It was then that I realized my heart was set on four.  Then came my third child, my beautiful little girl and after her birth, I knew then too there would come one more.

Over the past four years, I have wondered when God would gift me this blessing he had promised.  Last year I had a dream and I knew it wouldn't be much longer but in God's time that could seem like forever.  Here I am now, carrying my sweet promise from God and feeling he or she grow bigger and stronger every day.

I hear people saying "God should be allowed to choose how many babies will fill your womb."  I do believe that but at the same time I also believe he does indeed tell you when the time has come to move to the next stages of life.  I feel that having four c-sections puts me at high risk for birth and that though God has his hands on me all the time, he doesn't want me to risk this vessel, this life or this job he has bestowed lovingly upon me.

At this time, I am 90% sure that this will be the last baby for me.  This will be the last little being I carry beneath my heart.  I am saddened to give up this gift, this joy that God has given.  At this time, I'm looking forward.

I'm thinking of the enjoyment of watching my children continue to grow in faith and love for one another.  It is over all too fast and I want to be able to enjoy these last moments of their youth before they are grown.  That is difficult to do when pregnant Momma doesn't feel like even getting out of her bed as I have felt for most of this pregnancy.

I look forward to enjoying every minute that's left in this pregnancy.  Every kick, every roll and every sweet second of this child's life inside of me.  I look forward to holding this baby, to looking in his or her eyes and seeing the gift God has given me once again.  I look forward to hearing the cries, kissing the cheeks, and wiping away sweet baby tears.  I know until my grandchildren come it will be the last time for me, like this.  My heart tells me so and surprisingly as sad as I am about it, I'm ok with it too.

My children need me.  My children love me and I love them.  The time has come to continue growing them in the Lord and guiding them daily.

I look forward to it and I embrace the stage of life before me.  Growing old with Josh and our children and loving our Lambert Life everyday. <3

2 comments:

  1. This is such a precious and dear to my heart post. Thank you for sharing your heart here :)

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  2. I can very much relate, my friend! While I really look with longing at my full-quiver friends (including those of you with 4+!), the Lord made it clear to us after our youngest that we were to stop. So we're just raising two, but the point of stopping is that really have three - our oldest girl went to be with Jesus before she was born. Well, we always felt we were supposed to have three, and God made it clear to my husband and me in different ways at the same time that having more after our last birth would be pretending our oldest doesn't exist. Instead, he wanted us to really point to him by saying we do have three even though people only see two.

    Anyway...I'm praying for you through your pregnancy and will when you go into labor, too!

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