Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Joy to Come

Lately I'm feeling stuck in a serious rut.  I know the weeks are flying by for Jackson's arrival.  I have so much to do but yet I feel like I'm getting no where.  I search for the "what's next" stages but find nothing.

We have three weeks until baby Jackson is born.  I haven't gotten anything of his ready except to say that he has plenty of clothes.  I have some washes to use on him.  I have no diapers for his tiny little bottom yet though.  No wipes to clean him with.  And so much I still have to do.

I'm nervous and scared but trying to remain calm.  In three weeks I have surgery to give birth to my last darling baby, my sweet baby boy.  It cannot come fast enough and yet it's coming way to fast for me.

I'm ready for it all to be overwith and at the same time I'm so not ready.  Jackson will be my last baby.  My last baby to carry beneath my heart.  The last baby I feel roll and tumble and kick inside my belly.  The last one to hear my heartbeat from the inside.

I know it's time to give up birthing babies.  I have discussed this with God.  I have felt him agree with me.  Yet, it makes me sad to know it's all over.  It makes me sad to know it can't go on and on.  It makes me sad to know there will never be another baby I carry and feel, to hold and love after Jackson.

Yet I do know it's time.  My health cannot withstand pregnancy again.  I'm getting to old to feel sick like I have this time around.  I want to spend time with my children, to love and watch them grow without feeling like I am neglecting them for the morning sickness and tiredness of pregnancy.  I want to enjoy the days I'm blessed with and have them enjoy our time together too.  It's so short now and going so fast.  I don't want any of us to lose a single minute that should be enjoyed with one another.

But I will enjoy my last three weeks carrying my son.  I will memorize every moment I can and remember the three beautiful babies I have carried before him.  Remember how much they each have meant to me and how much I enjoyed giving life to their beautiful souls.

I'm so thankful to have been blessed by God so many times.  So thankful to have two girls and now two boys to raise and love.  I hope Jackson is very much like his siblings, all of them.  That he shares their sweetness, kindness and love.  I know they cannot wait to share it all with him, to love on him and care for him just as they have each other over the years.

We are patiently enjoying your last days inside Jackson and anticipating your impending arrival everyday.  Such a blessing you are to us, our littlest angel.  We all love you always. <3 p="p">

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