Thursday, May 1, 2014

My Heart, My Soul is Angry {Epilepsy Awareness}

My heart aches.   It's been a long time since I have blogged anything about our Epilepsy.  I have closed it off and tried to ignore it's existence but this week the Monster has made sure I know he's there.  It's been a long week and it's not over yet.

Three seizures in three days for Jackson.  Two mild and one very big one that I honestly questioned whether or not it was going to stop.  I want to break.  I want to cry.  I can't because Jackson needs his Momma strong.  Winston, Emmalee and Laycie need their Momma strong.

These seizures are becoming the norm in our family.  They were already an integral part but now they are a prominent, daily feature in our life.  I hate it.  I hate they exist.  I hate they happen every day.  I want to scream at this monster to just go the hell away, to leave my baby boy alone.  I want to scream at God to make them stop.  

Sometimes I whisper it -- I know He hears my soul pleading.

I beg Him to stop the seizures.  I beg Him to heal my babies.  I beg Him to just listen, just take it away and make it all stop, to give my sweet baby boy the normal, seizure free life that he deserves.  To give my girls the same.  He hears me but still we fight this battle to which we have no control over. 

I may never know why. I am not meant to understand His logic, His reasoning behind the Monster's attacks on my family.  Sometimes I feel like it's just a game but I know there must be some purpose, some greater reason that I just cannot see.

My heart, my soul is angry.  He knows it and yet He still loves me.  That's the way it is.  I try not to be angry and not to take my anger out on Him.  Yet, I know God is there - waiting.  He's waiting for me to break, to come to Him so He can heal the hurt and pain that only He can.  

He's waiting for me to share this story, for others who suffer like me.  To share it for other's who watch their babies suffer with this damned disorder daily, just like mine do.  I know this is my purpose, yet sometimes I fight it.  I don't wish to be a seizure Momma, yet here I am.

And then the words flow, much as they are tonight.  I feel led by God to share, to spill my heart and bare these wounds that haunt me.  When I rise, I stand strong again, in Faith, Love and in Grace that is given only by Him.  

I am undeserving but oh so thankful for His Grace, for His Love and for every single minute that I am blessed to love my babies on this Earth and beyond.  I cannot imagine this world without them, though I know they are only gifted to me for a specific amount of time.  I pray it never be cut short, that I am able to outlive them and they live long, seizure free lives.  I know that may not happen but I pray it does, like most Momma's do.

I just want the Monster to stop - to go away and let my babies live happy, long lives full of Love and Faith, to be able to fulfill their dreams and wishes without convulsions and pain.  Maybe one day. Until then, I will patiently wait and continue to pray and have Faith.  It's all any Momma can do for her babes.

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