Wednesday, December 28, 2016
I can remember when he was a tiny baby, with brown curls and a cherub grin. Everyone who saw him thought he was the prettiest baby boy and yes, some even asked if he was a girl. I didn't mind. To me, he was the most beautiful baby ever.
The day he was born, he looked like a tiny little wailing alien. He loved to be held and his Grandmother and Papa were always toting him around. He was well-loved by us all.
He was my emergency c-section. His delivery was a traumatic one. The doctors almost lost us both. I remember feeling the pain and feeling myself begin to float as they prepped me for his delivery. I was put to sleep and when I awoke it was all over.
The first thing I saw of my newborn boy was a photograph. I wasn't able to get out of bed and he wasn't able to come see Mommy for 6 long hours. His tiny body had suffered so much stress that he had to go into the warmer and be monitored right away. I remember just being thankful he was alive and well.
The first time I held him, I was in LOVE. He was the sweetest little thing. He loved to nuzzle and he refused to sleep alone. I don't think he slept one time in his crib.
Isn't funny how I can remember that period of time like it was yesterday? Time passes so quickly. Soon that little baby is going become a man. Time is too short.
I've watched him grow every day. I chose to homeschool him because I couldn't bare to pass these moments that God blessed me with to someone else. Selfishly, I wanted to keep these years all to myself and I am so glad that I have. These memories will last us both for a lifetime.
This young man who has blessed me these past 16 years is like no other. I used to wonder why I had a son first and not a daughter but now I know. He's been my rock, my supporter, my strength through so many things. He's quiet and a true peacemaker.
I honestly could not have made it through these past 16 years without this wonderful young man by my side. He's helped me with his sisters, our home, keep up with everything and just been a friend and a loving son to me all the way. I tell him all the time that one day he's going to make some girl a wonderful husband. A lucky one she will be and yes, I plan to let her know that!
So here is to my soon-to-be 16 year old. May we continue to enjoy the short time we have left together and many years afterwards. I love you my son - more than you can ever know and I thank God every day for the blessing you have been to my life.
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
This year has been a hard one for many people, us included. Money is tight. Hurricane Mathew hit our area hard and caused setbacks as well. Life has been a struggle.
I wasn’t sure I would be able to give the kids much for Christmas, which is a pretty big deal at our house. My kids don’t usually get a lot throughout the year, so at Christmas they usually get bigger gifts and things. This year the money just wasn’t there for us to do that.
I prayed about it. I felt led to ask online for help, not expecting anything in return. In doing so, our family was truly blessed by others this year, who saw to it my kids had most of their wishes come true. It has been a true Christmas miracle.
Everyone received something important for them. Jack got lots of Dinosaurs, Laycie got a Doc McStuffin’s cart for doctoring her toys, Emma got pencils and art supplies, Win got video games and a new system. Each of them went shopping and bought gifts for each other and we also baked to give to family this year.
Even though Christmas began as a struggle, it has ended up being one of our best Christmas’s yet. I’m very thankful to each of those who helped to make this Christmas happen. You have shown my family the meaning of true friendship and caring. God bless you all!
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Last night I was at home watching a movie with Don and the rest of the family. I am pretty sure it was a Christmas movie, yet I can’t remember the name. It was the typical man and woman meet and fall in love movie. Yet, near the end of the movie, there was one statement that really hit home for me.
You see in all my failed relationships, the other person has always pointed the failure towards me, yet I never felt the failure was completely my fault. The men in my life have always tried to make me feel that I was the problem, that it wasn’t them. They have told me that I would continue to find the same problems over and over because, well, that problem was me.
Honestly, I was beginning to believe them. Then Donald came along and he has worked to change my thinking. Trust me, it’s been really hard for him to do but this movie confirmed what he’s told me since we met.
You see, it was never me that was the problem. It wasn’t really them that was the problem either. The real problem was that these guys I was with were never meant for me. Since they weren’t right for me, our relationships could never work. It wasn’t anything either of us did, it was simply the wrong person for me to be with.
Now I know that’s easy to see now but it wasn’t so easy to see when I was with them. And walking away doesn’t make it easy to see when you have been told over and over that you are the problem. Sometimes it takes a HUGE wake-up call, like hearing it said straight out in a random movie, to make you realize, “Hey, I’m not the problem here!”
We can never be happy with the wrong person. God created us each to be unique and He created each of us to fit one other unique individual. That individual is our other half, the love of our life, our soulmate.
I’m blessed to have truly found mine, to know of his love for me, for my children, for our family and our life together. Sure things aren’t always perfect because we’ve both been brainwashed by being in the wrong relationship before finding one another and finding our right relationship, but we work hard to heal and love and move forward together. We are learning to forgive, to depend on each other and to embrace our life as it should be with one another.
When love is right, it’s just right. You know it wholeheartedly. I’m so thankful to have found my love in Don and also to have found this healing piece of truth from something so simple as this.
Until next time…
Saturday, December 10, 2016
PTSD is an awful thing.
Fear is crippling.
Last night I was laying in bed, talking with Don and memories flooded back to me. Emotions that I try to ignore. Feelings that I don’t want to deal with.
I remember why I’m in therapy. I remember what brought me there, what I went through, what I try to ignore.
I can’t ignore it.
Sometimes I can feel his presence towering over me, screaming at me, telling me how much he hated me, how much he wished I was gone. I can feel his anger, hate, wrath.
“You’re not good enough… not pretty enough… not what I want.”
He told his girl of the month I wouldn’t work, didn’t clean, didn’t cook. That’s when he’d tell them about me at all. Many didn’t even know I lived there and often if they did his story was that I was his roommate or that he let me stay there for the kids.
”This is my house… my car… my land… none of it is yours… nothing here is yours… I will have my son.”
I lost count of how many times I heard those phrases.
I still feel his hands on my throat as he picked me up and threw me across the house. Still feel the fear and terror as he lunged at me. I still feel the cold metal as I collided with the washer and dryer.
I can hear the door slam as he left, running to his Mother’s house to hide out from what he’d done. His haven to get away because he knew they’d cover for him and give him a place to stay. He knew they’d side with him and make this all my fault as they always did.
For six years, I put up with abuse. I hid it. I dealt with it because I believed I loved him, that he didn’t mean it, that he wanted me. I made myself believe that it was my fault. That I just wasn’t good enough.
It was never my fault. I did the things I was supposed to. But no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t save him, couldn’t change him, couldn’t reason with someone who just did not want to help themselves.
I wake up every day thankful I no longer live that life, thankful that I don’t have to hide any more. Thankful that I am safe, loved and happy in my new life. I don’t need to fear anymore.
But even when you don’t need to fear, the damage is done and you must learn to relive, to heal, to forgive and let go. You must learn that you didn’t deserve the anger, hurt and pain you were given. You must learn lessons from your past, from your mistakes and you come to find strength hidden within you that you thought you would never find.
Today, I am stronger. Tomorrow, I will be even more so.
Until next time…
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Random thoughts. Do you get those? Totally random things popping into your head at any given time? Usually with no rhyme or reason as to why.
Well, I suppose from this post you can guess that I do. I go completely off track with my thinking and I feel that my brain is constantly going 100% all of the time. I am always thinking of something and yet of nothing at all. Not of importance at least.
Then there is the forgetfulness. Sometimes I think so much that I forget mid-sentence what I was just thinking about. For example, today I was talking to Donald, asking him about his day. I was about to ask him something specific and mid-thought I completely forgot!
Now this isn’t a big deal for something small but forgetfulness and randomness because an issue with bigger things. Like forgetting to call in a medication script for my daughter. Or forgetting to write out a blog post for the week or for a review item. Forgetting you made an appointment for Thursday. (Yes, I did that one this week! Eek!!)
I often feel that my blog posts are random as well. I’d like to find a way to make them more structured and more focused but how can you do that when you have trouble focusing yourself?! I contribute it to my undiagnosed ADD. Or is it ADHD? I’m pretty sure I have one of those and I know my poor kids do as well.
So how do you manage to keep your thoughts in order and stop being random with them? How do you create posts that are structured and more organized? Any tips you have for me? Feel free to leave me any ideas you may have in a comment below. I look forward to all of your suggestions.
Random sky pic from a few months back.
On an additional note we’ve reached 700 blog posts at Luv’N Lambert Life and have many more to come! This particular post is my first written and posted with Open Live Writer. So far I’m loving this blog writing software and look forward to using it for my posts from now on. All the ease of blogging with a format like a word processor program. Added benefit is that there is a word count tool built in too! (So far this post is at 389 words and counting.) You can even link up and add images to your posts right from Open Live Writer. Awesome right?
Well that’s it from me tonight. Hope you all have a blessed week!