Saturday, December 10, 2016

Fear

PTSD is an awful thing.

Fear is crippling.

Last night I was laying in bed, talking with Don and memories flooded back to me.  Emotions that I try to ignore.  Feelings that I don’t want to deal with.

I remember why I’m in therapy.  I remember what brought me there, what I went through, what I try to ignore.

I can’t ignore it. 

Sometimes I can feel his presence towering over me, screaming at me, telling me how much he hated me, how much he wished I was gone.  I can feel his anger, hate, wrath. 

“You’re not good enough… not pretty enough… not what I want.”

He told his girl of the month I wouldn’t work, didn’t clean, didn’t cook.  That’s when he’d tell them about me at all.  Many didn’t even know I lived there and often if they did his story was that I was his roommate or that he let me stay there for the kids.

”This is my house… my car… my land… none of it is yours… nothing here is yours… I will have my son.” 

I lost count of how many times I heard those phrases. 

I still feel his hands on my throat as he picked me up and threw me across the house.  Still feel the fear and terror as he lunged at me.  I still feel the cold metal as I collided with the washer and dryer.

I can hear the door slam as he left, running to his Mother’s house to hide out from what he’d done.  His haven to get away because he knew they’d cover for him and give him a place to stay.  He knew they’d side with him and make this all my fault as they always did.

For six years, I put up with abuse.  I hid it.  I dealt with it because I believed I loved him, that he didn’t mean it, that he wanted me.  I made myself believe that it was my fault.  That I just wasn’t good enough.

It was never my fault.  I did the things I was supposed to.  But no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t save him, couldn’t change him, couldn’t reason with someone who just did not want to help themselves. 

I wake up every day thankful I no longer live that life, thankful that I don’t have to hide any more.  Thankful that I am safe, loved and happy in my new life.  I don’t need to fear anymore. 

But even when you don’t need to fear, the damage is done and you must learn to relive, to heal, to forgive and let go.  You must learn that you didn’t deserve the anger, hurt and pain you were given.  You must learn lessons from your past, from your mistakes and you come to find strength hidden within you that you thought you would never find.

Today, I am stronger.  Tomorrow, I will be even more so.

Until next time…

blueDANAsig

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