Monday I saw the GYN.
It feels like it was a month ago but it's only been a few days. The visit didn't take long. He checked my blood work. He checked me. And we talked.
He asked was I completely done having children. My answer was yes because I had my tubal. He asked me very seriously was I finished, without considering the tubal, was I done. That was a hard question for me to answer.
He said my uterus is slightly enlarged but not terribly. He said I had two options to stop the bleeding: medicine or a hysterectomy but in the end it would probably be the later for both options. In his opinion it is best to go ahead and take out my uterus.
I'm 37 years old. Except for Epilepsy, I've been fairly healthy up until now. I hardly get sick. I make educated health choices.
I'm 37 years old and my uterus is giving out on me. My days of having babies is ending and very soon. My head says this is the right thing to do for my health. My heart is broken.
I've had 4 babies and I've loved every moment with them. I've loved carrying them within my womb. I never once thought the option would no longer be there. I've never once thought I'd be without something so important as this.
But here I am. And my only option is to let it go, to say goodbye to this beautiful part of me that God has allowed me to bring forth my most beautiful gifts in. To let go of it for my health so I can live for my children.
My heart says, "just one more". But then isn't that time already passed. I said goodbye to babies when I had my tubal.
I regret that. I regret giving up the ability to have children. I regret not allowing myself to have that one more baby. But then that one more would have led into another and maybe another. I don't think the desire to have more children will ever leave my heart.
And I'm thankful. I know so many women never get their sweet gifts from God. He blessed me with 4 and two I'll only know when I get to Heaven. I'm thankful for that. For the opportunity to love His children, my children in this lifetime.
So here I am, making this huge choice for my health, with my heart in pieces and hoping it's the right answer for me. I need to be healthy to enjoy the time I have with my children during their youth as that's quickly passing every day. I want to be there to see them grow and prosper.
My surgery date is March 29 with some pre-op stuff on March 27. I picked the closest date so I could just get it over with. I'm hoping that it's quick and easy for me with no complications. I'm hoping it's like those 4 c-sections in comparison to pain. I won't know until I get there, but I pray for quick healing and ease in moving forward.
For now this is where we are at.